On Life as a Non-binary Parent, With Emme Reynolds

Dadditude Newsletter #26

Dadditude interviews dads (and mums) from different backgrounds, professional fields, and ethnicities to get their insights on what it means to be a parent in the current moment.

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Today’s guest is Emme Reynolds, a non-binary parent from Ottawa we’ve been following on Instagram for a while. We approached Emme recently while they were in the process of introducing their new name to the world.

We spoke about the meaning of ‘dad,’ existing in a space that most people aren’t too familiar with, and the importance of always being learning.

Please introduce yourself.

I have been telling my own story online in a number of places for about 15 years now and my story of being a parent ever since I became one. As my own identity has changed, so have those spaces, but what’s been nice is that there has always been a space for community growth. I talk a lot about mental health, about identities, about parenting, and hopefully in a way where we can all learn from one another in helpful ways. I know it has helped me become a more complete person, so hopefully, other people who have watched me learn things and unlearn other things have felt the same.

Andrea, my partner, helped me choose my new name, Emme, and while I’m working mostly from home these days, I am a communications officer at Carleton University.

Please introduce your kids.

Leah, 11, is wonderfully creative and loves anime or creating their own art. We talk about anime a lot and I learn more from them than they do from me.

Charlotte is 9 and keeps us all busy and has more ideas than anyone could ever have time for. She is also a wonderful artist and super-smart kiddo!

What are some of the challenges and joys of being a non-binary parent?

Well, the idea that I am unsure of how to even use the title dad is one of them. Really, the term dad is one that means something as an identifier to my kids mostly. Right now they are really the only ones who use this term for me mostly as a parent name. It is less about gender and more about one parent is mom and other one is dad. It is definitely a gendered term to many so it will be hard for a lot of people to see the word dad and not associate that with being a man, but here we are!

I really like being a parent and my kids know I am trans and non-binary, and some of the challenges are about existing in a space that most people aren’t too familiar with. The joys are really being able to share things about my life that show growth as an adult and that is something I really value a lot. I love listening to my kids as they explore themselves and being able to have these conversations between us is so amazing.

How do you manage to mix work and family?

Being a parent shapes a lot of my identity, so in a way, this impacts all facets of my day/week/years/life. I am the one who drives and walks kids to school and who is at home when they get back right now. At home, my partner and I are always trying to communicate about what one another needs at any time to be able to survive on that day. Being able to communicate about both emotional and actual shared physical labour is extremely important for our relationship.

What do you think is your biggest strength as a parent?

The ability to relearn things that I always thought must be true. Being able to learn is as important as being able to teach as a parent. When you do this I have found that it helps build a relationship where kids feel more willing to come to you because they know they will get honest answers.

I absolutely love the opportunity to grow and learn more at the same time that my kids are. I think that showing kids that we are always learning is a huge opportunity for parents. Pretending we know it all or always have the right answers does not do us any good.

What stresses you out the most these days as a parent?

A pandemic that just doesn’t end and being able to support kids through that while trying to also be a productive employee and kind to myself as I transition both socially and physically. That has really been the thing that hovers over everything because I know it just adds to the anxiety of everything else. In addition to that, there are things like my kids making friends and learning math and learning more about who they are and wanting to make sure I make myself available for them in all those situations while keeping patient in doing so. That is hard to do though. Patience is hard.

What side of parenthood do you wish you had invested more time and energy in the past?

There are probably lots of things I could answer. I always wish I had more energy to go out with them more but I also know my own mental health does not always allow that. I wish I had more patience sometimes but that is hard too. I think that when I have regrets, it is just worth noting those and making sure my kids understand that I would have liked to do things but that there were reasons behind not being able to do so.

Can you tell us about an especially favorite/special moment with your kids recently?

In pandemic times we just spend so much time together as a family. You really get to know a lot about one another in these kinds of circumstances and while these can be tough days sometimes, it's also led to some really great conversations with both of my kids. And I think those one on one conversations about the kinds of people my kids are growing up to be are the most special moments for me. Because they are great representations of the relationship we've built together. Oh, and Halloween. That was pretty awesome too.

Thank you Emme!

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Fatherhood in the News:

• Postnatal depression in dads: 'I didn't know men could struggle too'
  Until recently, mental health concerns for new dads were little understood and, often, went unaired. But some men who have experienced postnatal depression hope telling their stories will encourage others to open up.

• Caring, confident dads have structurally different brains – new research
  We found that dads who have more positive attitudes about their parenting abilities, and about fatherhood in general, show differences in their brains to those who don’t.

• I’m a gig worker with zero parental leave. Even four weeks off would make a huge difference
  As US politicians argue over paid time off for parents, workers like me are forced to keep working while caring for children

• Throwback: Dadditude Newsletter #15: On Optimizing the Father-Son Time, With Tony Stacey

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